Permission

Very soon, I will be embarking on the trip of a lifetime. We have a month away as a family, exploring culture and landscapes, who we are, how we are growing, how we are changing and how we are deciding to show up in life, and all I can think about is the immense pressure I have put on myself to document it!

So this blog post is my permission slip to chill.

Social media is great when it comes to getting some ideas of places we want to see when we travel. I have an enormous catalogue of saved items on my Instagram. But as I looked at one of the most gorgeous portraits ever taken in Iceland (our first stop) this morning, I felt this sort of ache creep up my spine and settle in my belly and chest. And I felt sad. Actually, what I felt was failure before starting. I thought, “I wish I had the ambition/drive/motivation to create this on our trip and I know I won’t.” FAIL! Thumbs down! Boo Kristen!

But I am getting pretty wise in my oldish age and I decided to just sit with this and turn it over a few times and see what was really going on. That’s when I heard my dear friend Leona’s voice in my head saying, “What sort of permission do you need to give yourself so you can feel better about all of this? So you can enjoy yourself and still document it?”

As I went to get my note pad and pen I realized that it’s unlikely I am the only person who feels this way and so maybe I could share this with others? I often feel extremely isolated in this sort of situation – I see other creatives CREATING and I keep thinking something is wrong with me. Because, as I have written about before, I create a lot in my mind and not so much in the real, tangible world. Or so it feels. Maybe I create a normal amount in the real world and a ridiculous amount in my mind? Hm…

Either way, it’s something to address and get to the bottom of.

First, Instagram. OK, so maybe I could cut myself some slack and remember that I am not a professional photographer being paid to travel to these places to create content. And maybe I can remind myself that at some point in my life, I could do that. But not now. That’s not the purpose of this trip.

Second, I can actually get clear on what the purpose of this trip is: to explore new places with my kids before they all move away. If I sound like a clingy mom, I AM! My oldest baby is going into grade 12 this fall and I am going to spend every single second with him!!!

Actually, I am not that clingy, but I do know this is most likely our last trip together in this capacity:( My heart aches and breaks, but is also extremely grateful for this opportunity. And I won’t waste an opportunity to connect, to deepen the new found friendship that begins as children become young adults, or to continue to anchor myself as one of the greatest influences in my children’ lives.

Third, this trip initially started as a pilgrimage for me, back to ancestral lands. It has since taken on a life of its own and some plans have changed but, the essence of it is still there; a return to something I have been longing for.

I have not been to Europe since I was a thirteen year old dancing in Russia. And the reason we are stopping in Iceland is purely because my thirteen year old self stood with her face and hands pressed against the glass at the airport in Reykjavik promising herself she’d return one day. And so, she finally is! A promise made and a promise kept. That feels really special.

If I stop here, with these three points, I can see that the permission I need to give myself isn’t all that hard to give. It also clarifies for me what type of photography I’ll be doing and, most importantly, I can feel the pressure ease off. We don’t need to make images that need to be published. We don’t need to show everyone everything all the damn time. But the pressure to do so is crippling. And I am going to challenge myself to step out from under the thumb of social media on this trip because, the truth is, I don’t photograph my family enough anymore because of it.

I miss the old days: the generalized photo where you’re not really sure what your mom or grandmother was photographing outside of the entire scene. A true snapshot of all that was going on! When I look through old family albums, those are my favourite images, because of their general nature. Because everyone is in the frame and everyone is doing their own thing, and I can imagine so many more stories than I can in carefully thought out and executed images. Obviously, there is a place for those but we really shouldn’t stop taking the crazy, chaotic images that capture real life as it happens.

So my permission:

I give myself permission to document my family’s trip from my own unique, low key, no pressure place of motherhood. I give myself permission to act with loving kindness toward photography as well as myself. I give myself permission to take absolute shit photographs as well as wonderful ones, and everything in between. Because in the end, the pics will be nice, but the experience, soulfully connecting with my children, is what I really want.